Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Technically speaking...

So it's been brought to my attention that people apparently read my take on relationships and since I am currently in AT LEAST 5 relationships, I think it is only befitting that I continue to write.

The discussion of today is male-female friendships. 

Some people think that such things are not possible without an overlap of feelings. I strongly disagree. I think men and women can indeed be friends, depending on the depth of the friendship and IF neither are attracted to the other. However, when there is physical attraction, plus time spent together filled with acts of kindness, then eventually, something will form.

I can say this with certainty because I have a male friend whom I love very dearly and up until he had to leave the country for career advancement purposes, I was certain that I knew precisely where we stood. Now, I am experiencing some emotions that I cannot understand and he is exhibiting signs of something akin to jealousy and every one is just confused.

Technically speaking, we are just friends.

Technically speaking, he has no right to be jealous.

Technically speaking, I have no right to feel as if his choice of geographical location is a reflection on our relationship.

Technically speaking, I should not feel guilty for speaking to other guys in his absence.

But, there are no technicalities in matters of the heart.

Monday, 18 July 2011

It's not you, it's your virginity...

Ok so I had been brought up to believe that a woman's virginity was a beautiful gift. One that would be chased down by many a roguish pirate and therefore, a lady had to guard her cherry with chastity belts and things of the sort until a worthy knight man came along. What someone had neglected to tell me however was that a day would come when men would come across such a maiden and instead of being delighted at the fact that she had kept her virtue intact, they would flee. The reason?? She is TOO chaste. TOO pure and therefore would only bring all the emotional baggage of one who had hidden their hymen from wanton penises.

Wild? Preposterous?? yes...this is what I thought also until I heard those exact words from a real homo sapien. He told me that he doesn't want a whore per se but not a virgin either...in fact, to be precise, he said that he would prefer to be 'guy no.3' in her list of sexual conquests. So that she wasn't fresh off the break up with her 'first' but not so far gone that she was considered promiscuous.

If you are a woman then you should be boiling with rage because I know that I am. We get penalised for being 'sexually well done' and then also for being 'sexually rare'. Men now apparently want their women done 'just right'. [sorry for the cooking analogies but I am somewhat peckish] The point remains is that there is no winning. Quite frankly, I would like to buy a sex toy and be done with men altogether. I hear there is this new wonder called a 'sqweely' with not one but TEN tongue like extensions which promise an orgasm in two minutes flat.

Sure it is not a human but these tongues won't complain about my hermit hymen. For anyone reading, my birthday is in December. Thanks

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

New kid on the block...

Ok sooo I have a confession guys....

I think I am pregnant.


But now nothing I say will be as shocking will it?? Ok so here goes....

I have a teeny tiny crush on a new guy. Not quite ready to share all the gory details about him with anyone else because it is still super early days but I thought I would write about him anyway. I am going to call him Dexter, because he is a wee bit of a genius. and if you didn't already know, I have a HUGE weakness for smart guys. He isn't snobby with it or anything but I am super aware of his intellect at all times because when we do the whole witty banter thing, he actually makes me work for my quick comebacks. It is quite unsettling speaking to someone who is smarter than I am but it is simultaneously kinda interesting.

Anyhoo, after the Onion fiasco, it is refreshing to speak to someone who not only appreciates sarcasm but doesn't require an explanation of what I mean when I fall back into my sarky ways. Ok background info - I have theoretically known Dexter for a long time, but we never really spoke so as far as I was concerned he just didn't exist in my world. As it happens, I was recently forced to extend the long arm of friendship to him in order to complete a mission [it really isn't as exciting as it sounds but I am trying to glam up the story for you].

Well what started off with the intention of being an 'In and Out' mission led to a text here, a conversation there and BOOM - he sucked me in with his big brain. Unfortunately/fortunately [not sure yet], he doesn't live in LDN, so we don't really get to hang out that often. Sooooo if/when we meet up the next time, I will decide if cerebral coitus is enough for me...

See guys?? 

I am not all doom and gloom buuuuuuut, I am still super wary of all male type creatures so I very much intend to keep my options open and date around like a common wench. I will  however keep you posted on the Dexter situation....

Monday, 7 March 2011

Crossing the thin line.

I have often heard that there is a thin line betwixt love and hate. Yesterday, I firmly believe I crossed it with Onion. I was neither in love neither do I hate him  so we'll say a thin like between like and disrespect?...anyhoo, if I am honest with myself, I was still harbouring a secret hope that we would rekindle the flame. I find it hilarious the things that make me get over people. I mean, he has done some pretty darn messed up things, but there I was like a lumberjack still half heartedly holding on to an axe, waiting for him to realise that I am awesome [a true fact].

Then yesterday, we spoke and I realised that we were speaking as if naught had changed. This confused me somewhat because I figured that a change in mindset should manifest with a change in behaviour [especially since when I bumped into him at my church, he tried ever so slightly to avoid me]. Anyway, I asked him if he was happy with this decision for us to be just friends and he answered in the affirmative, but then made the fatal mistake of telling me that one day I would see that he was not right for me. He said other things as well but I really did not hear them because slap bang in the midst of this incredibly patronising soliloquay, I crossed over.

It hit me that he was talking absolute and utter shit [I told you I sometimes swear when necessary]. Not only was he giving me a faeces laden speech but he was genuinely expecting for me to remain to be there for him if/when he needed me. Alas, I had to interrupt his speech to inform him that we could no longer be friends. His reaction only confirmed the necessity of my decision - he....was...SHOCKED. As in genuinely, OMG, are you being serious - SHOCKED. That just made me laugh internally and inform him of my seriousness and then hang up the phone. I am no longer sad. No longer nostalgic, just bloody annoyed that I wasted my thoughts on such a creature and also relieved that I have made the cross over.

It took me a while but it is done and I am happier for it. I am single and ready to mingle. It turns out that I like the whole preamble of getting to know new people/guys, and the flirty banter. Don't throw rocks at me, I am just erm friendly.. is all. I don't know if I am quite ready to try the whole attempt at a relationship thing any time soon though. I am sure this is not appropriate behaviour for a lady but it really is my life and I firmly intend to juggle the attentions of many a gentleman caller until one convinces me that they are worth my undivided time. That will be all.

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Legal Lessons: Mitigating your loss...

Ok so I've decided to make a regular occurrence of my legal lessons. I will teach you a legal principle and then apply it in a relatable way via the fun topic of relationships. This particular topic was running through my mind when I was about to fall asleep and all of a sudden, I started thinking of Onion. I realised that I missed him a teeny weeny bit but then I started to wonder whether I missed HIM or just the comfort/regularity of my communication with him [there is a big difference btw]. I couldn't figure out which it was and that made me angry. Why oh why is this dude still robbing my precious time even though physically, he is no longer about?? Then I turned to the law [which oddly enough has become an unusual source of comfort for me] and I began to wonder if theoretically, I could sue him and so it began...

How would I sue him? In tort? In contract? If so would I make a claim for damages? Promissory estoppel? The possibilities were endless

How could I possibly bring such a claim you say? There is no contract...this is a sham....outrage....horror..well au contraire my little outraged minds. I have long since learnt that the law can be moulded in anyone's favour and I am here to assert that there was indeed a contract, albeit a verbal one. Yes, these are more difficult to prove in court, however, we are officially in the lumberjack courts of justice [LCJ] and I am judge, jury and claimant so my rules really do go. Shall I proceed? Yes you say? how kind....anyhoo, for a successful contractual claim,  the claimant must show that there was a breach of contract, causation, loss and that the claimant had mitigated [attempted to make less severe] their loss. So  with this in mind, my claim is as such:

Onion had contracted to enter into a relationboat with me [he made the offer, I accepted and the consideration was both financial and measurable in time], he breached that contract on 13/02/2011 and as a result of this breach, I suffered a loss of:
1) Theatre tickets
2) A trip to the Hills
3) Lessons on the intricacies of trading
4) My bloody time -both past and future
5) My ability to trust/respect men...thus setting me back on any progress I had so far made.

The only thing that had me stumped, is the point of mitigation. I mean I did try to mitigate my loss by my several attempts to rescind the contract, which he continued to dismiss with bold proclamations of the certainty of his feelings.The way I see it, the only other way to mitigate the potential of loss in a relationboat/ship is to have several back up suitors so that in the occasion of breach, there would be someone in place to prevent such a loss. Now it is my turn to be shocked. Is this really the answer? Is the only way to prevent losing in the relationship battle to not keep all your treasure in one pirate's ship?? Is this the only thing keeping me from being the first woman to sue for the loss suffered in a 'break up' [for want of a better term] - the fact that I didn't mitigate my loss by keeping my options open?

It makes sense right? Once again ladies, the  law has done it. It has proven a lesson that the universe has long since been trying to teach us. Learn to mitigate your loss by keeping a spare man about. It is where I have been epically failing my whole life. My inability to play the field could be the sole cause of me losing my claim against Onion. *Sigh*...I guess I better put away my Claim form and particulars of claim then.....

I may not be suing this time, but I will keep this in mind for the future. I THINK this is a more refined version of the point that Blu Cantrell was trying to make via the song 'hit em up style'...I call it 'mitigate your loss and then hit em up legal style'

Disclaimer: I am student not a teacher/practitioner of the law. Please do not try to sue anyone in reliance upon my blog posts. This is simply how I express myself; with a smooth blend of knowledge and humour. The end

Saturday, 26 February 2011

How could you be so heartless??

Ok so for as long as I can remember, people have referred to me as 'cold' or 'mean'. I don't think this is particularly true, in fact, I think it is total and utter balls. I think I have an....interesting way of expressing my affection for people and I think it takes me a while to get there but I certainly do not think that I am devoid of emotion like I have some sort of black hole where my heart is supposed to be. 

I blame my upbringing to be honest. I am not about to show you my genitalia [code for air my family business] but I will say that I was raised to be strong shall we say and being strong in my family meant that any sign of emotion was equivalent to weakness. It wasn't until a lot later on when I was cemented in my ways that they tried to do the whole 'love is a house and you got the key' type stuff and by that time it was simply too late for me. I have no clue how to deal with tears or emotional people...it makes me really uncomfortable...which btw MAY seem cold but it doesn't mean I don't care, it simply means that I don't know the requisite words or actions necessary to handle such a situation.

MY question is..

'why do people expect you to all of a sudden be filled with love whenever they decide to love you'??

Men do it all the frigging time. If they suddenly decide that they want to be love mc'needison then ALL of a bloody sudden, you're a cold, unfeeling bitch because you don't respond in an adequate fashion. May I point out the inherent double standardedness of this all...I mean if a woman starts saying stuff like 'why do you love your computer games/football/trading/ [insert relevant boyfriend addiction here] more than me', then we are labelled as needy and insecure, but if they do it, then they just want to be loved??

Men are filled with insecurities which they are either in complete denial about or are just unwilling to admit the existance of said insecurites. I resent being referred to as 'cold' every time I behave in a fashion that undermines a man's masculinity. I may be a tad sarcastic at times but believe it or not fellas, I am NOT trying to make you feel stupid or hack off your metaphorical balls with my intellect...I just think it is FUNNY! It is how I express myself and I think it is a damned sight better than me running off in tears every time someone says something that hurts my feelings. I have long since learnt that a quick mind and a sharp tongue can combat any insult. This is not 'coldness' it is just wit. And I personally believe that you can only be made to feel stupid if you yourself feel you are stupid...I mean, if I call you a thief, it will not affect you in anyway IF you haven't stolen...but apparently you shouldn't say this to someone after you have just finished 'making them feel stupid'..*heavy sigh*...I was only trying to make them feel better to be honest...

ANYHOO...Sally made a comment today that really sums up the whole topic. Namely, 'you cannot make a withdrawal on my heart if the bank account is empty. There is no overdraft.'

Essentially all this is saying is that it is a slow process. Learning to love and express such a feeling is a job for me [and others like me]. I work on it and the love is deposited in my hearts' bank account. If you try to withdraw too early then not only will you get naught out of me but the account will shut down. However, with a little patience, you will receive a handsome payment if you enter in the right pin no. 

So no, I am not the tin [wo]man. I do not need to visit the wizard of Oz. I have a heart. It is intact and fully functioning. IF you cannot be patient then you will forever get the so called cold version of me. 

The End.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Legal Lessons: The Overriding Objective

Ok so I have been submerged in litigation law for the past week or so and I've just come back from my exam [which I think went ok]. Soooo being the intellectual and yet fabby person that I am, I thought I would give a little legal lesson with a twist. All civil proceedings are governed by the Civil Procedure Rules [the CPR] and the main rule that everything else branches from is called the Overriding Objective. In a nutshell the aim of the OO is to ensure that all proceedings are cost effective, expedient and fair so in effect ALL the statutory provisions of the CPR are subject to the dictates of the OO.

Get it? Got it? Good!! Now on to the fun stuff.

I have since realised that you can make metaphors out of pretty much anything and as a student of the law, I love doing this particularly with legal terminology and members of the opposite sex. Take Onion for example...

He has been avoiding our unfinished conversation like the plague and so I finally decide that enough is enough and erase him from my memory bank [not easy btw and I MAY have had a few teeny tiny vent-y type rants/explosions in the process of erm healing]. Anyhoo, I digress, the point is that the other day,  yesterday in fact, he called me and was super ready to just chit and chat as if we were slap bang in the middle of Shakespeare's 'All's well that ends well'- and what's more cheeky is that he was expecting me to comfort him because he'd had a bad day...nuh  uh..heck no. I made a hasty getaway and continued with my life when all of a sudden, Sally tells me that she...feels...sorry..for...HIM!!


It appears his voice had somehow pierced her heartstrings and for reasons inexplicable she just could not help but pity him. There was just 'something' that made her feel like he wasn't ENTIRELY trying to take me for a lumberjack...an element of sincerity?? I am not going to lie. I too have at times felt that same sincerity BUT then I glanced down at my book and remembered the Overriding Objective. Sure, sometimes I look at the statutory provisions of our relationboat and section 8[12] may say that he cared, and this may be backed up by several cases...HOWEVER the Overriding Objective says....'HE TOOK YOU FOR A LUMBERJACK' and then I look at the case of Re Valentines 2011 [and we all know the facts of this most recent commmon law] and decided that it takes precedent to all prior cases. So with that in mind, I am sticking firmly to my decision.

So you see what happened there folks?? It appears my father was right when he said to just face my books. They seem to have the answers to everything; my future career, subsequent riches and evidently my relationboat woes. How's that for lateral thinking??....